Change the rowdy beeps and dings of your computer to the following softer spoken notifications:

alert
asterisk
beep
close_program
complete_navigation
contact_online
critical_stop
default_beep
empty_recycle_bin
error
exclamation
exit_windows
f*ck
go
incoming_call
incoming_fax
join
leave
maximize
menu
menu_command
minimize
new_mail_notification
open
open_program
outgoing_call
outgoing_fax
program_error
question
restore
select
shave_my_legs
start_navigation
start_windows
stop

Thanks to Tibbie for her voice.